Aug 2021
4:22pm, 25 Aug 2021
37669 posts
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Night-owl
Elton John has taken up paddleboarding. In fact he's gotten quite good at it. He's told all his friends, I'm still standing |
May 2019
3:43pm, 10 May 2019
1095 posts
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Shortcut Cam
I’ve just bought a Womble pepper grinder. It’s rubbish. Everything is either underground or overground. |
May 2019
10:54am, 10 May 2019
21813 posts
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fetcheveryone
I don't see why you can't cut and paste the +1's from the same place you get the jokes from; but never let it be said that I'm not listening  |
Aug 2017
7:31am, 30 Aug 2017
12135 posts
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Jock Itch
I went to a fetish restaurant last night. I got toed in the hole. |
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Nov 2017
11:12am, 28 Nov 2017
12282 posts
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Jock Itch
Prince Harry says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a fuck, he's still going! |
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Jan 2020
12:53pm, 25 Jan 2020
13121 posts
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Jock Itch
Some friends are having a joint Burns Night and Chinese New Year party. They’re calling it Chinese Burns Night. I wasn’t going to go but they twisted my arm. |
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Jan 2019
1:22pm, 19 Jan 2019
12755 posts
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Jock Itch
Nelson was about 5ft 6ins tall. His column is 17ft 4in. That's Horatio of 1:3 |
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Mar 2018
7:38am, 21 Mar 2018
12396 posts
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Jock Itch
Interviewer: “What do you consider one of your best strengths?” Me: “I can perform under pressure.” Interviewer: “That’s fantastic! Can you give me an example?” Me: “Sure. (clears throat..) .. mm ba ba de Um bum ba de Um bu bu bum da de Prrressure pushing down on me..” |
Jul 2019
1:58pm, 31 Jul 2019
34550 posts
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Nellers
I was in London the other day and a foreign tourist asked me “Where’s the countryside?”. I replied “10 Downing Street.” |
Jan 2020
10:03am, 28 Jan 2020
11912 posts
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Cerrertonia
My son came home from school yesterday and rushed in to tell me, "Dad, Dad, I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge today at school." I said "WOW! Nice one, what's that?" He said, "It's a big building where all the kids go to learn, but that's not important right now." |
Dec 2018
9:39am, 22 Dec 2018
15747 posts
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Stander
I took the wife to the docs today to sort out her Tourette’s. Turns out she doesn’t have it and apparently I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off. |
Nov 2017
9:21pm, 10 Nov 2017
2686 posts
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mr d
I found a Lion in my wardrobe last night. "What are you doing in there?" I asked. "Narnia business." He replied. |
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Dec 2015
10:47am, 10 Dec 2015
1106 posts
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JRitchie
Donald Trump has cancelled his new West of Scotland Golf Course over fears over the local Mullah Kintyre. |
Jul 2020
8:13am, 31 Jul 2020
297 posts
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caw
I was at the gym last night when I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in... ...anyway, she's made a formal complaint and I'm now banned for life. |
Oct 2019
8:48pm, 25 Oct 2019
3907 posts
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Cyclops
Got a job making plastic Draculas for Halloween. There's only two of us so I have to make every second count. |
May 2019
12:05am, 13 May 2019
6312 posts
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g1ngerrevolution
So I made a graph of all my past relationships... It has an ex axis and a why axis. |
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Nov 2016
4:07pm, 29 Nov 2016
549 posts
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CharlieP
No matter how many time Daz repeats the one about the moderator, I still don't get it. |
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Feb 2020
11:46am, 1 Feb 2020
13130 posts
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Jock Itch
When my brother got sent to Jail, he didn't take it well at all. Refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, smeared his own shit up the walls. After that we never played Monopoly again. |
May 2019
6:51pm, 13 May 2019
36597 posts
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Diogenes
I went to see a sex therapist who asked me to go into graphic detail about all my sexual experiences, so I drew her a fucking diagram. |
Feb 2018
10:01pm, 3 Feb 2018
32968 posts
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McGoohan
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it." The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch." The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?" "I have," says the man. "And what is the decision?" asks the doctor. "We're having granite worktops" |
Oct 2019
3:08pm, 15 Oct 2019
390 posts
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Mountkeen
I never fancied the idea of doing a marathon, 5 or 6 hours of running must be awful. But now it turns out you can do it in 2, I might be interested. |
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Apr 2018
4:21pm, 4 Apr 2018
12413 posts
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Jock Itch
I would walk 500 miles (actual mileage may vary) And I would walk 500 more (subject to status) Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles* (*Estimate only) To fall down at your door (Terms & Conditions apply) - The Disclaimers |
Mar 2020
9:34pm, 18 Mar 2020
5702 posts
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daz1927
Just heard a woodpecker call me a paranoid twat in Morse Code. |
May 2018
8:25am, 21 May 2018
25294 posts
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JulesR
Monday: Greg Tuesday: Ian Wednesday: Greg Thursday: Ian Friday: Greg Gregorian Calendar. |
Feb 2018
8:56am, 27 Feb 2018
6730 posts
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XB
Dicken’s ‘A Tale Of Two Cities’ was first serialised in two local newspapers. “It was the Bicester Times, it was The Worcester Times” |
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Oct 2016
8:04am, 26 Oct 2016
319 posts
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Mountkeen
If your wife or girlfriend ever says "If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new" Apparently "Anything" doesn't mean being stuck in traffic. |
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Jul 2018
12:32am, 2 Jul 2018
377 posts
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Mountkeen
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor's shop with a pair of torn pants. "Euripides?", asks the tailor "Yes. Eumenides?" replies the man. |
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May 2019
8:09am, 15 May 2019
12857 posts
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Jock Itch
My mate claims that he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them... Personally I think he's torquing out of his arse. |
Dec 2017
2:14pm, 21 Dec 2017
8 posts
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Tikka
The wife has been missing for two weeks now. The police told me I need to prepare for the worst, so I went down to the charity shop and got back all her clothes. |
Aug 2018
7:00pm, 28 Aug 2018
2572 posts
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Dillthedog57
My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory. |
Nov 2019
9:44pm, 5 Nov 2019
15881 posts
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northernslowcoach
Thieves have been targeting motorway signs on the M62 and M1 - police are looking for Leeds |
Dec 2019
7:04am, 8 Dec 2019
8756 posts
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The Terminator
I've invented a thought controlled air freshener. Makes scents when you think about it. |
Mar 2019
8:38am, 26 Mar 2019
7874 posts
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Binks
My doctor has just prescribed me some anti-gloating cream. I can't wait to rub it in. |
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Apr 2017
8:40pm, 14 Apr 2017
12019 posts
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Jock Itch
Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?" "Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter" "Thanks Dad" "No problem Alan" |
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May 2019
11:46pm, 21 May 2019
6382 posts
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g1ngerrevolution
My wife just messaged me "thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative" Does anyone know what "ternative" means? |
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Sep 2019
9:26pm, 15 Sep 2019
13022 posts
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Jock Itch
A Man City fan just told me he is thinking of going on holiday as it is cheaper after the school holidays... I told him you can't beat the Canaries this time of year! |
Oct 2019
1:14pm, 23 Oct 2019
1045 posts
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mushroom
I was in a band called Prevention. We were better than the Cure. |
Apr 2018
12:45pm, 13 Apr 2018
2323 posts
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Sweaty Frank
The doctor gave the 70 year old man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the man reappeared at the doctor's office and returned the jar, which was still empty . The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, first I tried with my right hand, but I have arthritis, and it just wasn't working. I tried with my left hand, but that not much better. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried but I don't think she put much effort into it. Our neighbor Sarah stopped by, so I thought what the hell, she's much more fit than my wife, so I asked if she would mind helping an old man. She worked at it for a while, she even put it between her knees and had both hands on it, but nothing happened. The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open." |
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Mar 2020
8:40am, 28 Mar 2020
7956 posts
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Binks
In honour of our Amazon drivers, let’s clap out our windows sometime between 9am and 6pm. |
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Mar 2020
9:54pm, 2 Mar 2020
402 posts
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Mountkeen
Just seen that Hugh Zapritti-Boyden has been elected the new president of the Budgerigar Appreciation Society |
May 2019
3:42pm, 10 May 2019
17654 posts
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Nicholls595
I’ve just invented a new word: plagiarism. |
Jan 2019
10:53am, 2 Jan 2019
20409 posts
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Maclennane
I took the shell off my racing snail today to make him go faster If anything he was more sluggish |
Sep 2017
8:47pm, 30 Sep 2017
1704 posts
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FergusG
Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps. |
Feb 2020
11:34am, 27 Feb 2020
600 posts
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M1nty
The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes." They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus." I replied, "I know, but she's good with the kids."! |
Jun 2019
2:49pm, 5 Jun 2019
31684 posts
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HappyG(rrr)
Before my surgery my anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar decision. G |
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Oct 2019
6:00pm, 14 Oct 2019
13051 posts
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Jock Itch
My wife said she's leaving because I'm obsessed with supermarkets... "Do you want any help with your packing?" I said. |
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Apr 2021
10:09am, 20 Apr 2021
458 posts
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Mountkeen
Following the moving sight of Prince Philip making his final journey atop an elderly customised Land-Rover, Prince Andrew has requested that when he goes, it should be on top of a 15-year-old Escort. |
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Nov 2019
5:44pm, 11 Nov 2019
391 posts
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Mountkeen
Went to the doctor's for a prostate exam During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate. But I still wish he hadn't. |
Sep 2019
8:02am, 15 Sep 2019
498 posts
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megster
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely. At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'. 'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.' 'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?' The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.' |
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Oct 2019
5:38pm, 10 Oct 2019
3239 posts
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Dillthedog
My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr Awkward. |
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