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Fetcheveryone Member of the Month

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Interview with Max71

GregP asks: You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips. Why is this, please?

Max71 says: I've got some swelling in me eye, can't close it. This eyepatch isn't a fucking fashion statement.
GregP asks: You never close your eyes any more when I kiss your lips. Why is this, please?

Max71 says: Deja Vu.... *plays spooky music*
*Anj* asks: Huge congrats lovely lady :). When you started running did you ever envisage you would end up doing 4 marathons in 4 days ? What's your next goal?

Max71 says: I'm still not really sure how the Quad happened. I think enough people on here know me and know what a complete pillock I am. God knows what made me think I could do it. And I did, didn't I? I am still scratching my head about that. I was beyond scared at the start, and that is good, right? Respect the distance. Never under estimate the support you can get from 53 runners, 10 supporters, 2 dogs, some Canadian Geese and a lone fisherman.

When I started running, I thought I was the dogs nads for running the first 2k NON-STOP on my first race. (It was a 10k) Go figure. Without a shadow of a doubt my running, or rather, the continuation of my outstanding running career is down to Fetch, Fetch People and Beer....and smart phones....and credit cards....and, for about 37% of the time, the love of it.

I knew nothing about running, I remember when the first 10 in 10 did their thing, I couldn't get my head around it, I thought (and still do) think they're completely awesome. And then I look at the ultra runners on here, SDW50? 100? 150miler? Week at the Knees? LA to NY? Anyone? Anyone?

Running is a progressive illness. Factoid.

My next goal? My real next goal that I'm just starting to say out loud?

Sub 4:30 at Amsterdam this year. It's going to be a long frigging slog, I'm actually going to have to train my backside off for this. Once again, I'm scared as hell, but f*ck it, what's the worse that can happen?
The Mighty Fleecy asks: What do you think about Greppers stalking you? Congrats on MOTM, and do you think next time you do something daft like a ludicrous number of marathons at once you might think about training for it?

Max71 says: I would be very upset if Greppers didn't stalk me, I pay him a direct debit of 17 new English pence, per month, to do just that!

Thank you for your congrats. I think that next time, it would be really good, if my meds could do their job and I can keep the crazy at bay. That was I could actually do some running...and less cake eating.

When I say next time, I mean, next year as I'm already signed up for it. Whoopah!
Kittenheels Kath asks: I heart you Max, and haven't seen you in ages, how are you, lovey?

Max71 says: Hello Sweet Cheeks

It really has been a *very* long time, we need to find some mutual races...followed by pubs.
Naomi P asks: Congratulations my dear! Was the joy of farting bodyglide bubbles enough to offset the tedium of running around and around and around THAT "lake"?

Max71 says: #1. I think attempting to bodyglide your own bumcrack in your in-laws spare room with one foot balanced on the bedside table comes in my top 10 of...wait... no......my top 50 of stupid things I have done during my lifetime.

Honestly, I never knew such things could happen. Ogee did warn me. And yet I chose to ignore him. Never again. Notes have been made to self, when the wise past on their wisdom. Listen. And don't wear thongs during Quadzilla. (Er, yes, I'm doing it again next year)

#2. Thing I managed to learn was that I actually like laps. I discovered this at Kent Road Runners marathon last year, but I had it confirmed at this year's quad. It's broken down into bite size chunks, hill, funny little dip thing, bridge, geese, the kid clearly playing truant from school (but cheering you on non-the-less), the big houses, the awesome girlfriend, our dog, RD, Queen of Enigma (K-Webb) etc etc. You get the picture.

Getting lapped during these races is ok too (not that this would actually happen to you!) But, if you did get fat / slow / really old / came out of marathon retirement and you got lapped during one of these races then you'd see how lovely everyone is when they go past.
Stepford Wife asks: Why do you think that googling 'lesbian nuns' brings up such disappointing results?

Max71 says: It really does doesn't it?

The other day at work, without thinking, I googled 'Lesbian' [defence] I was looking for icon's for LGBT month, m'kay? [/defence].

Do not google image the word Lesbian, at work. Just saying.

Whilst I'm on it, do NOT google the following, from your work computer.....

Lemon Party
Blue Waffle
Two kids one sandbox (video)

Lesbian Seagull, however, is safe for work.
Lesbian's too, are safe for work.
Lesbian's are also good for marriage (not just civil partnerships)
Lesbian's are good for putting up shelves. Whilst wearing tool belts, and cut off denim shorts, and maybe tight, white vest tops.
Wait. Where was I?
UltraDunc asks: Are you still as certifiable as I remember from the past, or has my memory been distorted?;-)

Max71 says: I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about. Nor does Max.

I am as dull as ever.

Still smell like vomit. (and wee....on a Tuesday)

Your memory has more than likely been distorted by age, glue sniffing and Greggs sausage and bean pasties.
Puffing Bertie asks: No questions just wanted to say Congratulation on MOTM to a great lady who helped make my Berlin marathon the best ever, not to mention numerous other races and runs we did together :-) the mountains are calling so you best come and visit. Well done Max :-)

Max71 says: Oh CB, you are one awesome woman, you know that? I can honestly say that it was down to you that I discovered doing so many races. Berlin 2007 was awesome. We had some good times, it's funny to see the kids on facebook and how much they've grown up! I still remember us taking C down to Newquay for him to start uni.

Yeah, it's been about 15 years since I was in Canada, time for another visit methinks.
Muds asks: Why you? Why now? Why has it taken so long? You would be a contender for member of the year :)

Max71 says: Hey Up Muds,

Why me?
I have been doing sexing on the people of Fetch and I'm really good at it. Try it. It's good, if a little moist. I have a small supply of rohypnol if you need to borrow some.

Why now?
I think it is a combination of slow news month, sympathy and my mum logging on with multiple accounts to vote for me.

Why has it taken so long?
It has taken me this long to rise through the ranks from "You? Run? Really? What, like 5k's or something?" through Max Mc Sh*t-Runner to the lofty heights I'm at now. Max Quadzilla runner. How long do you think I can dine out on that one? I'm thinking of getting in touch with Hello Magazine and OK, surely they'd get into some sort of bidding war?

They could take photos of me relaxing in my sitting room, maybe I'll put Roon in a christening dress and I can have him on my lap as I gaze at him. We can put the dog in a tuxedo and Monkey_75 could be standing there looking over us all, with love in her eyes. I can see the headline now......it will outline how I am managing to balance being a mother, a wife-to-be, training for Quadzilla with my career.
DeeGee asks: Congratulations Max. Thanks for the food at Furzton! You were the first Fetchie I met in real life. Who was the first actual real proper Fetchie you met?

Max71 says: Hey Up DG

That's a bit crap if I was the first Fetchie you met...on the other hand it does mean things could only get better, right? My first Fetch was Puffing Bertie, when she still lived in England. We spent a lot of 2006 & 2007 running races around the south of England (and one in Berlin). Then, I think, en mass, I met Stumpy, Kittenheels Kath, John, Gobster, Rach Heather and Andrew (remember Andrew?) along with lots of other SW Fetchies.

Anyhoo...there will be more food at Quad next year......I loved fueling with my ryvita and cheese. Not a gel in sight, excellent.
Hills of Death (HOD) asks: Hi Max love you long time apart from me (obviously) who are your favourite Fetchies ooooo tough one

Max71 says: Monkey 75 is a bit of alright.

On the whole, Fetchies are a bloody good bunch. There is the one or two that are odd beyond belief (pretty sure I fall into that category) but for the most part we are an awesome bunch. Naturally I prefer the really, really, really, *really* good looking ones, like me. As long as we can race, head to the pub, talk sh*te and have a few drinks then that's good, right? Life is too damned short for being a dick to people. (Unless they are stupid, then they totally deserve it)
Foxy asks: After Quadzilla success what next ?

Max71 says: Ah Foxy, Foxy, Foxy..... I've been thinking long and hard (eh eh) about this one. After careful consideration I have decided to go back to my first loves and return to my previous employment as an F1 driver and runway model.

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This is in part down to Bernie hounding me to come back and spice things up a bit. And as for that Stella McCartney, I thought about taking out an injunction to stop her hanging around my flat begging me to star in her Autumn / Winter 2014 / 2015 collection.
RuthB2 asks: Why do you run?

Max71 says: It's a natural talent I have.

I first discovered I could run at the age of 9 months, my nanny put me down as she adjusted her uniform and I was off. Apparently she spent the best part of of 6 minutes looking for me before I was discovered, by cook, running around the maze at our family's country residence.

After that there was no stopping me, my father (Jessie Owen) insisted I was put on a strict diet of cabbage and pearl barley. This was coupled with my strict training regime; I would train for many minutes each day along side my siblings Usain, Shelly-Ann, Flo-Jo and Eddie (nickname-The Eagle, I never knew why).

The rest is history. 3 gold medals at the Olympics, current world marathon record holder and my BAGA awards 1-4. The first under 14 to fly solo around the world. I'm sure you know most of this from my biography entitled "Where the fvck are my car keys?"

I am a natural over achiever.
mushroom asks: Congratulations on MOTM. What are the first features you look at when checking out / meeting other runners for the first time?

Max71 says: Ha Ha Ha Ha..... funnily enough I was having this conversation with some people the other day, we were saying how we judge people when we first meet them. It turns out I was the only person at the table who wonders how people perform....er....well....y'know....romantically when I first meet them.
KatieB asks: It's been too long, Max. Well done, you are an excellent MOTM. My question is who do you think is the best person from the original FE thread? Also, where do you draw your strength from? I'd like some. Mwah!

Max71 says: Hello Beautiful Spirit

It has been a long time, hasn't it? My favourite person is you, and me and that is it.

I think my strength is really down to my basic ignorance / stupidity / away with the fairies approach to life.

*skips away happily*
*trips over*
*styles it out*
Mrs Winkle asks: If you had to choose one to give up for the rest of your life, which would it be - cheese or chocolate. It is important that I know this so that I can record it in my "things about Max" spreadsheet.

Max71 says: Chocolate....I really like it...but I bloody *love* cheese. Food of the gods..naked gods....naked sexy gods. With cheese. And paté. And crackers. And red wine.
SarahL asks: Congrats! It's been an eternity, so I hope you're doing ok with everything. Lots of love xx

Max71 says: Hey SL

It really has, you're now the mother to two little people and I have an adult who is about to fly the nest *sob*. I hope life is treating you all well. xxxxxx
Night-owl asks: Congrats Max. If you could be the lead singer of any band past or present which one would it be?

Max71 says: Oooh. Good question.....really good question. *Thinks* The Prodigy. Yeah, I'd totally rock that shit. Man. Can't you just see me jumping around the stage Firestarting all over the place. \m/
Legless asks: why was 1664 such a very good year?

Max71 says: Good vintage was that. I remember it well, it was a long summer, the hops where the size of grapefruits, and mother developed that nasty rash on her inner thigh.
K-Web asks: Peas. Mushy or garden?

And when are you going to write the instruction sheet for 'how to nearly knock your partner out whilst they're doing you a favour and giving you a massage post day 2 of Quadzilla'?


Max71 says: Mushy, actually marrowfat are my in my top three favourite foods. #1 Buttery Mash, #2 Sushi....in case you were wondering...
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.The thing is, I didn't meant to kick her in the face. I was laying on my front, she was massaging my hamstrings and she must have touched a nerve. It was an involuntary reaction as my heel came up to make contact with her eye socket. I maintain that "Are you going to carry on with my sports massage?" is a fair enough comment. She hadn't done my left leg.
oldbiddynandi asks: Nice one Max, are you still saving in your money box ;-) xx

Max71 says: I do. It is still my money box of dreams. I still use it for my £2 coins, it sits in my bedroom, it has never moved since you bought it for me for Christmas... 2008? 2009? Yep, still got it. I love it. xxx
sallykate asks: Congratulations! Awesome choice. Why haven't we seen you at Hilly Fields parkrun yet?

Max71 says: Oi! I was there in October. I feel rejected. Rejected! I tell you! I love having a park run less than a mile from my front door. But f*ck me, those hills get on my tits. *Heads to Dulwich Park Run* It's deffo one for all the mountain goats out there.
runningmumof3boys asks: Congrats Max- my question is when you get married can Powerjen be your bridesmaid please and made do wear a peach satin puff sleeved dress please?

Max71 says: She doesn't need to be a bridesmaid to wear that peach satin dress of hers. She often wears it to Bijou or Southbank Surfing. And an Alice Band. And nail varnish. And sling backs.
Roobarb asks: Congratulations! Well deserved!!!!!! Do you end up with sausage fingers that you can't bend like I do during marathons?

Max71 says: Do I hell! I have hands like a bloody hand model, thank you very much. As long as the hand model has little fatty cooked sausages fingers.
mummyV asks: congrats! best bit of your running kit?

Max71 says: My garmin, it may as well be rolled in crack. If its battery is flat, I wont even run. How bad is that? If it's not on the garmin, then it didn't happen. Fact.
Hendo asks: Is there a question that hasn't been asked which you hoped would be, and what would the answer be?

Max71 says: What are my thoughts on who might be able to undertake the running of a 5000meter race?
Ron Burgundy asks: Congrats!! Shag, marry, go on a cruise with... Cher, Sue Barker, Kirsty Wark??

Max71 says: Sweet Jesus, these are my choices? I'm hoping you meant Sue Perkins, not Sue Barker...wait... did I tell you the story of me and Stupid Evil I-hate-her Sue Barker?

I was a ball girl (on the net) and I accidentally rolled between her first and second serve and she shouted at me in front of the whole of the court. (This was during the time she was pretending Cliff Richard was her boyfriend, yes I am that old) I was completely humiliated and to this day, whenever she appears on tv I cannot help but swear at her. Oh. God... it's all coming back to me now. Where did I put my rescue remedy?

*sometime later*

Where was I?

Cher? Right, so she is actually 5 years older than my mother. She is also a lot wealthier than my mother. I'll marry her.

Kirsty Wark? *goes off to google* Bloody hell. Am I allowed to get drunk? I'll drink lots of vodka and shag her.

So that leaves Shouty Mc Shoutyson-Barker. Yeah, I'm taking her on a cruise..... What's that you say Barker? You can't swim? Why am I taking you for a moonlit walk along the deck? Where it is all secluded? Yeah. Barker get the cruise...
Monkey_75 asks: Hello winner tell me what do you think of the Pixies?

Max71 says: Mmmm. Crystal Palace Bowl?

1991? Indie Kids with flannel shirts and Dr Martins?
Laying on the grass, drinking vast quantities of (smuggled in) Vodka. Yeah?
A little bit of All About Eve supporting? Remembering December?
James? Sitting Down?

Oh. Yeah. Those were the days.
Girlie asks: Congratulations Max, well deserved:-). My question is what 3 things would you save if your house was burning to the ground (pets and family are already safe)

Max71 says: Camera, iPad (with my iphone sellotaped to it), Garmin, I'd throw them all into a suitcase along with my medals, photo albums..... wait. What am I saying? Sod that, I'm about to marry a Fire Fighter, I'd stay put and expect her to sort it out. I'd call it working from home.
PowerJen asks: I'm going to ask you a serious question. What's been your favourite ever race and why?

Max71 says: Cardiff Half 2010. Yes *that* one. The one that wasn't quite a half. What. Evs. It was my most bested race evah! I was going for a PB, I got the PB. I was able to kick the crap out of any negative thoughts that jumped into my brain, it was awesome. Blue sky, crisp autumn day a PB and then a couple of hours spent in the pub with Welsh Walesy Fetchies. What more can you ask for?
teddy-o asks: Beef or pork?

Max71 says: Dammit! That's a hard one. I am steak fiend and make the best steaks, EVER, I can cook you a steak to perfection. Every. Single. Time. However, I could not cook roast beef for love nor money.

On the other hand, I love, love, love pork. Pork belly (always eaten it, not just now it's a trendy fad) with crackling that will make you propose to me. Pork shoulder steaks to make you throw off your skull cap. Joint of leg or shoulder of pork to make you hide your Koran. Considering I was raised by a vegan mum and didn't eat meat until I was 26 (like, last year) I have made up for it. However because I was raised by a vegan mum I still have the vegetarian guilt when I eat meant. It's like catholic guilt, only more fattening.
HappyG(rrr) asks: Max, I don't know you, but kinda feel like we've chatted every now and again for, oh... last 6 years. And you were old then! :-O Can you tell the dear readers what it was like in Fetch when it was all field please? Congrats on MotM, you crazy, you. x :-) G

Max71 says: I love Fetch, really love Fetch, Sir & Lady Fetch and many many others here.... There is a reason so many of us come and never leave (like herpes). Fetches are, for the most part really lovely (and not just the ones I have slept with).

It was a different energy 6, 7, 8 years ago. Of course it was and that is how it should be, nobody gets to rule Fetch, it should evolve and move and grow with its people. We are a communi...... Wait. What the fuck is wrong with me??? I sound like a fucking hippy. Fuck that. Before the general hoi paloi moved in this was a nice area. I'm sure my Fetch account has devalued since they started letting anyone in.
Gobi asks: How did this happen ??????????????

Max71 says: I know, right? And when you've stopped pissing around the french mountains you can tell me how fabulous I am.
Maclennane asks: Why do you never close your eyes anymore when GregP kisses your lips?

Max71 says: You want to know why? You really want to know why? He is *nothing* more than a twist in my sobriety. Hurry up and move back to Blighty.

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