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Member of the Month - Johnny Blaze

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mushroom asks: Congratulations on MOTM. Would you advocate the greater proliferation of garlic naan as a marathon energy food, to be freely available on feed stations?

Johnny Blaze says: Around here in the dappled grove that is Kenilworth, "Family Naans" are currently the foodie's Naan of the Month. As they are as big as a dustbin lid, they could double up as chapeaux in inclement race conditions. Or possibly emergency diapers. Make me your partner Lrdshuggar and my nandiapers will make you a rich man, thank you for making me part of this process.

If you think about it, you'll see I'm right. Accept the word of One Who Knows...
The Terminator asks: Congrats Johnny. I am going to ask my stock question, is my round what you having pre race, during race and post race?

Johnny Blaze says: Pre race i generally have half a pork pie because i am an athlete, innit. During, it has to be Jellybabies and an occasional sip of Brand name sports drink. Post race i will suck the suds out of a barmaid's apron, quite frankly. So, I'll have a pint of Stella and a packet of McCoy's cheese and onion please.
Hills of Death (HOD) asks: Congrats Johnny you are IMHO the opinion the FUNNIEST guy on fetch (apart from me obviously ;-) ) where do you get your jokes from

Johnny Blaze says: When you're as ancient as me, you've heard em all. I like to have a laugh, innit. I do think Chiefy is more of a natural comic than I. He is the Tony Hancock to my nob-joke obsessed John Inman.

Insert joke about keeping conkers in pants here ---->

See what I mean? I just can't help myself.
Molesy asks: Well done Johnny. Should brown shoes ever be worn with a non-brown suit?

Johnny Blaze says: I observe at this point that no-one has yet asked me for the secret of my running awesomeness...

Anyway, as you know i am something of a fashion icon, and can frequently be seen promenading down the Warwick Road in little more than a lilac shirt open to the waist, white jeans and a manbag hoicked over my shoulder at a stylish angle. Essentially, i am a mash-up of ageing boulevardier Maurice Chevalier and Bez from Happy Mondays, so I am perfectly qualified to answer this question.

Brown shoes are always a good fashion choice. I have several pairs. Srsly.
BigChiefRunningBore asks: Oh sweet baby geez who the feck voted for you!?!
mmma question???
OK If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?


Johnny Blaze says: Well, y'know, even Nigel Farrago gets a few votes every now and then, but point well made. I have no idea. It can't be because of my long list of running trophies, because i have none. My times are fairly quotidian as well. Perhaps it's my witty interventions each year in the Eurovision/X Factor threads. Well, they make me snigger, anyway. Wagner for the win! Possibly it's because I've been around here for a while and it's a long service award - like the award they give old Hollywood film stars who aren't very good but deserve a gong "just for being around so long". Well, a win's a win!
richmac asks: congrats, why is that dog in a wig?

Johnny Blaze says: Wig?
The Mighty Fleecy asks: Did you ever get those white trousers? I think your public deserves the truth.

Johnny Blaze says: As one of the most renowned flaneurs of our age, I was strolling along Bournemouth seafront t'other day, with my usual air of insouciance, and i observed that most of the gentlemen "of a certain age" wore white jeans, and carried themselves with a certain soigne elegance. I could be them. I could be a contender. But Gap have banned me from their website because of inappropriate boasts about my "size". I diskard them. Srsly, though, i do think i could carry off the white jeans look. Accessorised with deck shoes and a yellow vest to show off the guns. I feel certain i would be the talk of the salons of the Kenilworth Massive.

Still no questions about the running...
Bintmcskint asks: Congratulations, Sir!
Can you tell us the most mundane and the least mundane things that have ever happened to you?
You do know you look just like your profile pic, right?


Johnny Blaze says: Least mundane? I saw Rolf Harris getting out of a taxi once.

Most mundane? That would have to be the time i spilt a Malteser into the footwell of my car.

I found it 3 days later.

And yes, dear reader, i et it.
Naomi P asks: Congratulations Mr Blaze! What are your thoughts on ipods in races? And, after your illness, has running changed for you?

Johnny Blaze says: Running! Fanks be to Gawd!

Well, i was proper crook last year and no mistake, Mary Poppins. It wasn't like it was me ticker or me bellows, but I couldn't walk and to all intents and purposes I was fit for Lasagne ready meals. Basically i contracted septicaemia, and that had given me 40 degree temperatures, which is, ahem, pretty high. Then i also had multiple internal abscesses in my groin, which meant i couldn't walk - my dears, I had to be wheeled to the toilet every day to do my numbers! Which was also accompanied by cholestatic hepatitis, when i reacted to the antibiotics. And there was the suspected endocarditis at one stage, which put the wind up me and no mistake. So i was in a bit of a state and it was only the thought that I didn't want to die because i wasn't ready yet, thanks very much if it's all the same to you, that kept me going. Plus Vimto, courtesy of USB of this parish. And the lovely messages from many many Fetchies when i was whinging in my blog that i was karking out. Being so ill also made me realise that when it works well, as it did in my case, the NHS is a wonderful thing and greatly to be treasured. Even though the mingy beggars would only give me one Weetabix every morning when i was in hospital.

Now, almost a year later, and I am running again and I am still slower than Slow Jock McSlow of Slowtown. But... (Puts on serious "message" face) running helps me feel alive, and that, hey, I'm not dead yet.

Do you remember that bit at the end of "Papillon" where, after many failed attempts at escape, Steve McQueen makes a raft out of old coconuts and netting and hurls it into the sea and chucks himself onto it, at the mercy of the sea and the wind and the waves and basically shouts, "you haven't stopped me yet, you b*ggers!"

Well, running makes me feel like that. I recommend it.
Lemon10 asks: Your profile pic is the best on Fetch, is the dog a good runner and what's his favourite distance?

Johnny Blaze says: Oh, and part b) to previous question... Ipod runners in races should be herded into sports stadiums and beaten with sticks on the soles of their feet. That'll learn em.

The dog tries his best but he runs in old Polo shirts and flannel shorts - Like David Cameron! Boom!

Keepin' it real, right there. Freedom for Tooting, btw.

The dog is a Parkrun specialist. He generally stops halfway round to take a dump by the tennis courts. His PB suffers greatly as a result.
Doctor K asks: Which runner(s) have most inspired you?

Johnny Blaze says: Running legend General Sir Michael Curry of Stratford upon Avon, aka Mick of Mick and Phil repute.

The man is awesome, and drop dead gorgeous to boot.

He let me watch him vaz up in the car park before the Abingdon marathon once, y'know.
minardi asks: Many congratulations. How many people on passing buses have actually thrown a rolled up magazine at you?

Johnny Blaze says: That actually happened!

Perhaps i just walk round with "Vic" (meaning victim) tattooed figuratively on my forehead or summat.

It happened to me in That London and by turns i was mortified, outraged, amused and then ever so slightly aroused.

Oops i just said that aloud, didn't I?
Phoenix Lesley asks: Well done there ! Where the bloody hell did you come up with the idea for your pic ?

Johnny Blaze says: I think many men become trichologically challenged as the years go by, and I am no exception. However, i have learnt to live with it and cannot think of anything more absurd than wearing a syrup. So naturally i chose a picture of a dog in a wig... Yep, makes no sense. None at all. But hey, i like the dog. He's a cute one.
shanksi asks: Congratulations. What's your favourite flavour of post-race crisp?

Johnny Blaze says: Aha - i remember letting Mrs S share my sea salt and cracked pepper crisps after the Eddie marathon!

Really though, there is only one crisp for me - Seabrook's cheese and onion - the epitome of flavoursome crispy gorgeousness.

But at a pinch I would snatch a packet of Pom Bears from a squalling infant's hands. Because I'm bigger than them and I can, obv.
Bru-Bru asks: Congratulations! Wittiest contributor on Fetch. What makes you run?

Johnny Blaze says: What a good question. As i have got more miles in my legs the reasons have multiplied rather than diminish.

To keep fit.
Because I can.
Because I'm not dead yet.
Because a run on a sunny day helps your soul bloom even if you have had a crappy week in every other regard.
Because a completed run in rubbish weather still feels like an achievement in itself.

Because it helps me keep a high-ass bootie.

Whatever that is. Mostly this last one, I reckon.
Tiggia asks: Has there ever been an X Factor contestant that isn't bobbins? And I can't believe you haven't won this before!

Johnny Blaze says: *looks longingly at huge picture of Wagner above the mantelpiece*

There's only ever been one for me, Tiggs.

Lawks, if Mrs B could see some of the frontier gibberish i post on Fetch, she would beat me like a 3 dollar mule. I see my award of MOTM as a reward for BS pedlars everywhere. Bullshitters of the world! This one's for you! *sobs* *distraught award recipient JB is led off stage by Hugh Jackman and Ann Hathaway*
Angus Clydesdale asks: I just wanted toupee my respects! Congratulations. What's your favourite ale?

Johnny Blaze says: I am fairly chavvy so like nothing better than a pint of Stella with the fragrant Mrs B of an evening. Doom Bar ale is also very palatable, as is the odd pint of Marston's Pedigree.

*observes number of questions so far about alcohol*
buttscratcher asks: Well done, would you rather be attacked by one horse size duck or a dozen duck sized horses

Johnny Blaze says: I believe this is a question that vexed Aristotle. I wouldn't think much of my chances against a horse-sized duck, whereas i could probably kick the bejaysus out of a dozen duck-sized horses.

Well, this is of course theoretical and worthy of further study.

Frankly i don't see why they spend kazillions on questions like confirming there's a Higgs boson when questions like this remain unanswered,
WA asks: Congratulation!! I love reading your blogs and admire your ability to write so honestly and openly. That's all. No question.

Johnny Blaze says: Thanks, but I'm actually an 89 year old Korean woman...
RichHL asks: Congratulations on this historic award. Is it possible to develop wit in the same way as speed, say with three jocular comments in a minute followed by a minute of silent recovery?

Johnny Blaze says: Well, I am quite frequently a miserable bugger, but after ploughing a Trough of Despond for a few hours I just can't keep it up and like to crack a joke or two. Humour is like muscle, tis true. Use it or lose it. Poor Mrs B gets the brunt, unfortunately. You must pray for her.
TnoP asks: Congratulations - well deserved. You are one of the stars of Fetch. Quick question, if I hadn't lent you those shorts in Edinburgh, would you have done the marathon commando? And how would that have affected your time?

Johnny Blaze says: TBH i always run commando. I couldn't run any other way. If you hadn't lent me those shorts i would have been either bottomless - which would probably have had Morningside ladies pointing and screaming "Jings!" - or possibly "Crivens! Yon laddiie's no wearin' undercrackers!" - or I would have had to run in my jeans. Which would have been proper horrible. That was a hot one, I seem to recall, and a Jack Bauer Power Dump at mile 15 did quite enough by itself to mess up my PB chances.
Nywanda asks: OK, who and what was it, why, where, how often and when will it all be over? Barktastic triumph as Muttley of the month !

Johnny Blaze says: You've lost me on this one, but thanks anyway!
BaronessBL asks: Many congratulations. I can't think of any question as good as those already asked so all I can feebly come up with is: If they did that plinth thing again and you got another hour what would you do this time?

Johnny Blaze says: Hmm... Now that's a testing question, and I can't say I ever thought about it much since I originally did my hour. Part of me would like to get up there and just have a good old rant or protest at the massive nobbers down the road at Westminster. But that would make me appear a bit mad. In hindsight I'd probably do the same stuff again, which is a bit boring, but I'm nothing if not predictable. :-)
Seratonin asks: Well done on the award of MOTM. When you are on a training schedule, do you enjoy tempo, intervals or long runs more? (Thought you would appreciate a serious question :-)

Johnny Blaze says: Blimey, that's a serious running question.

*blinks uncomprehendingly*

Well, here's the thing. I really like treadmill running. And on the treadmill I particularly liked intervals, as you can regulate your speed and distance precisely. And I'm fairly certain that escalating interval sessions on the treadmill gained me my sub 4 time at London. So I'd say that. Precise interval sessions on a treadmill. The other thing being that intervals give you a monster workout in a short time period if you have a busy schedule, which is another reason I like them.
Argie asks: Congratulations on your MOTM. You are worthy of it...

Legless recently said he was going to "sort himself out". Is this the sort of thing that should be declared in a fetch blog?


Johnny Blaze says: I think any and all bodily functions should be announced to the world in Fetch blogs.

*parps*

*pads off to the lavvy to release a chocolate hostage*
Night-owl asks: Congratulations Johnny oh what to ask Ah yes You are appearing on Masterchef what Starter, main and dessert would you cook?

Johnny Blaze says: Good question! I would probably have grilled sardines for a starter. Very healthy and good for the heart. Main course would probably be the pizza al salmone i had in That Italy once, which was epic. And profiteroles and cream for pudding i don't really go for ponced up food, and that would be a good nosebag for me.
northernslowcoach asks: Congratulations Mr B - Night Owl kind of beat me to it :-/
But what would you cook for a Come Dine With Me dinner, and who would be your ideal/nightmare guests?


Johnny Blaze says: I think it would be Piedmontese peppers for starters, then smoked salmon and pasta in a creamy sauce with chocolate ice cream to finish. Guest of honour would be Bruce Springsteen, obv. I would give him two scoops of ice cream. Kelly Brook would be there as would the lady off countdown. And my good friend American Matt, who would keep the conv going.
Clueless asks: Tell us about your modelling career in 50 words or less :-) Congrats by the way x

Johnny Blaze says: Karl Lagerfeld called me. Dear Karl! His spring collection was to be an undercracker special and he wanted me to represent the middle aged man in need of additional support. I could never refuse Karl - the man is a genius, my dear!

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