The revenue generated from the adverts on the site is a critical part of our funding - and it's because of these ads that I can offer the site for free.
But using the site for free AND blocking the ads doesn't feel like a great thing to do, which is why this box is so large and inconvenient.
Some sites will completely block your access, but I'm not doing that - I'm appealing to your good nature instead.
Did you know that you can allow ads for specific sites, whilst still blocking them on others?
I hope people don't mind me jumping in here. I had what may described as a traumatic event back in Sept 2014, where basically my life changed forever. I don't have the answers - far from it - but running got me through those early months really. Plus, at that time, I was very fortunate to have a very good employer and I was able to take 6months+ off with full pay. Other people in a similar situation to me had to go back to work after 2 weeks, weren't able to perform, and then were 'managed out of the business'. I feel incredibly, incredibly fortunate how I was treated during those first few months and I find it unsettling how people are treated in certain situations can be very dependent on their employer.
I am happy now - a new partner, home, dog, time to do what I want - but there is this feeling of 'what if' sometimes. I am 46 now, no kids, no siblings and just my elderly, very frail Dad who is my 'family'. In a parallel life I would have a wife and 7 year old, and on occasion I can't help think about that. I have seen Dad deteriorate rapidly, and it is upsetting. I do what I can but he is a stubborn old sod and it really has not been easy at all, as there has been a battle every step of the way the last 9 months or so. I do sometimes think 'well, at least he has got me', but his situation has on occasion made me look ahead 40 years, and I often don't like what I see. Carpe Diem, indeed.
I don't have any coping strategies as such, apart from I do try and run most days. It has become a habit now, but one that I enjoy, and a lot of my life is based around it - my club, running events, committee role, just getting 'out there'. I also gave up booze 4 years ago and although I can't categorically say that has been a game changer for me, I also don't want to go back. Not drinking does seem to help with my sleep, if nothing else.
@Fields - still have the same concerns. Saw two more houses today - both very nice, but both off the list for various reasons. Drove past the "one that got away" on the way to visit friends - but I hadn't realised just how close it was to them, so that made it even harder. So now we've got a few houses to consider which are "close enough", but none of them really what we want. And I still have all the stress of figuring out how to make a decision, and how to make it all work.
Covid took away my best decompression tool now I'm really lost without it.
Hanneke yes the absence of hugs was hard although I still got my fair share. The fear in people was harder for me to contend with as with the avoidance on the street. A few times people stepped off the kerb to avoid me without a care for traffic. I get it though.
Andy hugs again man. Trust in the process. Is hard, I'm struggling with it myself in terms of knowing things will work out if we keep doing the best we can but we must trust.
Really connected on zoom with my potential counsellor so going to see her next week.
Big G, welcome. It sound like you are not having an easy time of it.
I feel like things are finally moving in the right direction, after years of struggling with life. Keep the faith, things happen for a reason. It is all a big learning curve, an experience.
On the hugs thing I remember that time well. I was newly living alone, my world had fallen apart - not just covid - and I felt starved of human contact and a hug would have provided some nourishment.
I remember one from a friend the day I found out mum was stage 4. That unconditional act was like a banquet to a starved man. There’s a song by James called Out to Get You that I listened to a lot at that time especially when trapped in a bedsit during the third lockdown after my Mum had passed.
“Insecure, what you gonna do? Feel so small, they could step on you Called you up, answering machine When the human touch Is what I need”
I fell asleep earlier this evening and have just awoken from a horrible dream. My ex was flying off at me as she used to in one of her rages and trying to strangle me
I’m shocked as I’ve not dreamed about her before that I recall. I haven’t seen her for nearly 2 years. I still have the trauma from the violence she inflicted on me - not strangling - and it’s hard to shake that memory off.
I used to try and obliterate the memory with intoxication but am moving beyond that now thankfully. One of my main reasons for moving to a different part of the country was to live somewhere I felt safe. My old home that I had shared with her was no longer that place even after she’d left.
I think it’s because I screened a call earlier from a London number just in case it was her - it turned out not to be. A year ago I had major anxiety if the phone rang or if I received an email in case it was from her. I’m better now or so I thought
Keep an eye on that Fields. Hopefully a one off though.
I am having a bad night and 24 hours anxiety wise. Out with brother yesterday and commented that seeing a butterfly, I didn't see it, on 2nd February showed how fucked up the world was. Within seconds I has can't stand anxiety. Same later on when he had an Amazon package delivered. I'm not a fan but still. Now I can't sleep after having a dream where a fellow footballer ranted at me that basically my giving the ball away showed how I was responsible for the climate emergency. Funny, not funny.
That climate emergency has a lot to answer for for me too... That and having been diagnosed as carrying the breast cancer gene certainly don't help my fragile mental balance. Again, I have put mechanisms in place to deal with the controllable so for the latter, I rid my environment completely of everything toxic that can trigger the gene into producing cancer cells. This means that January 2020 I got rid of ALL plastics. I acquired a water purifier, you really do not want to know what is in our drinking water! Actually, we do need to know. Two of my greatest sources of anxiety: what is in the water and what is in the air. Weather manipulation, chem trails and now the treat of this sun block??? Why can we not stop tinkering with the planet and leave mother earth to do her thing at restoring some semblance of a healthy balance? I also have been on a self sufficiency drive from a very early age. I learnt about medicinal and nutritional values of plants from my grandmother, when I was 3, on a Swiss Alpine meadow... And yes, there are the plants, my garden, the Black Mountains. I live in the least spoilt and polluted and populated part of England... For a reason. I grow 85% of my own food, keep chickens for eggs and run my half acre market and medicinal garden as a closed, biodynamic permaculture system. Complete with no dig beds and a small food forest. I have created habitat and now host some quite rare butterflies and birds. But it is never enough, is it? When this becomes an overwhelming thought, I try remove myself from the world view of the climate disaster and imminent societal collapse and go out into my garden, like yesterday afternoon. I cut back the old growth from last year, which I leave on as long as possible for food and shelter, to liberate my hundreds, no, thousands of snowdrops I planted over the years. It was Imbolc yesterday. The mid point between Winter and Spring, and my beloved late father's birthday. So I lit a candle and cleansing, healing incense I got from a monastery high up in the Spiti Valley many years ago. Picked some snowdrops, put on our favourite Bach and pondered.
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depression
May 2025