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Ian Williams aka Fetch

Old Mum - Member of the Month January 2008

Member of the Month January 2008

Old Mum

Fetch says: Ey up Old Mum. Fantastic job on scooping our Member of the Month award for January 2008 (sponsored by SimplyRun.co.uk - we love you). And now Fetchies, come with us on a magical journey into the brain of Old Mum... (stick close together, and don't touch the sides):

Hendo says: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Old Mum says: Because after the incident with the owl they think they're 'ard enuf - they're wrong.

controversial says: why do you call your self old mum if you are not old?

Old Mum says: I'm ancient, Contro. I just apply my polyfilla well.

santababy says: well done honey :) xxx what got you into running in the first place? What is race you most want to do ever? Why have you never lost your English accent? Why couldn't you sneakily change the Scottish social date to next again week so i could go?

Old Mum says: The desire not to resemble a very large heifer anymore! I was grossly overweight and it was starting to effect my health. I've also got a small platoon of kids and felt it was my responsibility to lead by example. Dunno about the accent, I've lived in Scotland nearly all my life and do keep trying! Maybe I just need another couple of nights out with you to make the change - not 23rd though (told you before, sssshhhhh ;-) )

Jen J says: When are you going to rename yourself?

Old Mum says: "When the mist of time rescind and the ages have passed, when all is forgotten and we are but mere whispers of a memory. Or until someone suggests something better.

Hanneke - Om Shanti! says: Way to go!!!! OK, a serious question: when did you start running and why?

Old Mum says: "I started running on a tready about 7 years ago to lose weight - it didn't work. I then bought a treadmill - still didn't work even though I was running for an hour every night. Eventually I got so bored of that I decided to try it outdoors for a change. I ran for 15 minutes and felt like I'd died but loved it. Two days later I found Fetcheveryone and have never looked back.

Velociraptor says: Yes, 'fess up. What's with the cantankerous old bat persona?

Old Mum says: I'm not a bat person. Anyway, everyone knows Batman's seeeeew ghey!

Hanneke - Om Shanti! says: (I also want to know why on earth OLD mum while it is clear you are a spring chicken)

Old Mum says: Oi! Who you callin' chicken??

Barky says: Do you like spring chickens?

Old Mum says: Only when they've been adequately plucked.

Phantom says: Who would you like to paly in you in the movie 'E

Old Mum says: J

santababy says: Vrap, she *is* a cantankerous old bat, surely anyone who's met her knows that

Old Mum says: SB, I watched you for months and learnt well, dontcha think? :-p

Phantom says: scape from the Spanish Laundry'?

Old Mum says: Juliet Binoche but only if DW can play the part of JD and only if he'll do that 'jumping across the bonnet of the car' thing again cos that was well funny - especially when he fell off t'other side

Velociraptor says: Ha! Santa, there are degrees of cantankerousness, and my standards are very exacting ;)

Old Mum says: Quite right, V'rap but we can't all live up to your level of arcidness

Pace says: Have you ever fired 2 guns at once while flying through the air?

Old Mum says: Frequently but after a while I found it was getting a bit 'samey'.

Jen J says: Which has been your most enjoyable race to date, and why?

Old Mum says: That's a really tough one Jen. First instinct was to say Hawkshead 07 because that was my first proper race with a group of Fetchies and I couldn't have hoped for a better group. Obviously though I'd have to say Ness for many, many reasons - 1st marathon, Fetchies, beautiful Loch Ness, going back 'home' and loads of other reasons.

Sweaty Frank says: Big congrats, OM! How have your OH and children reacted to your running? How do you manage to make time to run?

Old Mum says: The kids are very proud of their old mum though do try to get out of race support as much as possible! As far as fitting in running is concerned, I just have to try and run when I can. Time can sometimes be very tight but its easier now that I have a headlamp, which I use for night running during the winter. I also do my LSR's midweek on my day off and while the kids are at school. Failing that - alcohol and prescription drugs. I drug the kids, drink the alcohol and then all is well with the world!

Phantom says: Have you ever taken two fecks at a flying doughnut, just for the sheer hell of it?

Old Mum says: I would have if somone hadn't eaten the bloody doughnuts! You ever going to replace them?

Phantom says: Do you think you'll EVER be anyhwere NEAR as good a runner as Siouxsie?

Old Mum says: Doubt it Phant. Will you?

JackRubysDog says: Did you cry when Jeremy Beadle died?

Old Mum says: With laughter.......

B.B. says: What effect has running had on your life - positive and negative?

Old Mum says: Nothing but positive. Its given me drive and enthusiasm again. Its given me something to focus on other than kids/home/work and its become a massively important part of my life. I've lost a huge amount of weight because of it, which in turn has helped with some medical issues I was having that were all related to being obese. And it makes me happy. Negatives? Injury!

B.B. says: Daddy or chips?

Old Mum says: Depends on whether the daddy's sugared.

Son of a Pronator Man says: What CD in your collection would you be most embarrassed to admit to owning.

Old Mum says: Norah Jones - Come Away With Me. But I don't.....so no need for confessions......or embarrasment.......cos I don't own it. Right?!

Jen J says: That question is sooo yesterday BB. I know you were planning to run at Draycote ((OM)). What is more of a focus to you - improving times of shorter races, or extending the distance that you can race over?

Old Mum says: Both. I want to get much faster over 10K, would like to improve on my 5K PB and would love to get a couple of decent ultras behind me within the next year.

Cavey says: Daily Mail or Guardian? ;)

Old Mum says: The Scotsman

HarryB says: Are we there yet?

Old Mum says: Just shut up and watch your portable DVD, FFS! And put your headphones on - gay porn is SO annoying!

Jen J says: What's your favourite number?

Old Mum says: 4 - the number of kids I have yet to adopt out

Jen J says: What's the best way to deal with those charity muggers who stand on the street with their 'official' clipboards annoying everyone who tries to walk by?

Old Mum says: Ahhhhh, Jen. You need to learn 'the look'. It's a fine art and if done wrong merely makes you look slightly constipated. Halfway between a scowl and a look of intense disapproval, its guaranteed to repel even the most stupid of canvassers.

Boingy says: Well done OM. :-) What is your favourite song to run to ? How can somebody as short as you run so damn fast ? and finally .... what advice would you give to all us young 'uns so we can carry on running until your ripe old age. ;-)

Old Mum says: Faithless - Salva Mea. I just pretend the kids are behind me looking to be fed again. Eat well, shag lots, don't think, just run. If none of that works (considering the chances of you getting ONE shag let alone many is unlikely) give me a shout - I have many bairns that I can hire out for chasing duties.

Barky says: Best event you have been to?

Old Mum says: Probably RNR. A whole weekend in Camp Fetch with lots of running/cycling on the back of a serious lack of food and sleep - what's not to love? :-)

Gus says: Well done OM, an inspiration to us yet to be oldies! WHat is your favourite cussword?

Old Mum says: Feckinyoungunsdinnaekenhowfeckinluckytheyare. I don't swear though.

Huge says: Nice one OM Spit or swallow?

Old Mum says: Depends - African or European?

JulesR says: Congrats Sam! Spotting the duathlon on your race calendar, is that one step towards the Dark side of triathlon? If so then is an Ironman at the end of the tunnel or was that just the Dumfries train late again?

Old Mum says: Thanks Jules :-) The duathlon is me dipping my toe in the dark side. Triathlon has always been a long term goal, completing (or dying at) a duathlon seems like the natural progression toward that. BTW,.....Cairngorm Challenge? ;-)

Snapstinget says: 1) How many things can you hold at once? 2) Are you going to the party? 3) What do you think Fanny really wants? 4) What is your dream race result (one that you might just possibly one day in the future actually achieve)?

Old Mum says: 1) Depends how big they are, 2) My life is one long party, 3) A damn hard smack? 4) My next PB

Gofigure says: What advice would you give a novice on improving distance running?

Old Mum says: Slow and steady. Find yourself a really good schedule and be realistic about your goals. Be willing to be flexible if you have to and make sure you factor that into your schedule. Make sure you build your miles gently and don't ever doubt yourself - its very do-able and it'll be one of the most rewarding achievements of your life. Oh - buy lots of trainers :-)

Hendo says: Running slowly - you love it don't you? Go on, admit it.

Old Mum says: Saywhatnow?

SparkyMark says: WooHoo!! :-) Congratulations OM :-) How did you hear about Fetch, and what has made you stay? Have you ever been, or are you an aspiring rally driver? What was the put down, that you were most proud of?

Old Mum says: I found our Lord Fetch through the God that is Google after being cruelly rejected by the dark world of RW. I'm not quite sure why I stay - maybe I need help to break the addiction. Shhhhh, don't tell anyone but.... I am The Stig. So many put downs and every one so very special. You can't make me choose! :-p

JulesR says: What advice would you give to someone on a 200m track relay leg who knows there's a tall high speed athlete chasing them down at a rate of knots?

Old Mum says: Run faster ya shortarsed gimp!!!

Blott's Mate says: Congratulations! Did you ever find your cycling helmet after the RNR last year??!

Old Mum says: I did! It was in DW's car and in excellent condition, though I suspect from the smell it may have been used for purposes other than cycle protection. :-(

John 66 says: Are Scots slower than Londoners?

Old Mum says: Possibly not but we can paint our faces blue, shout FREEEEDOM and make it look good

John 66 says: Fulham or Chelscum?

Old Mum says: Celtic

Disco says: Hurrrrrrrah! Well done OM :) What's the most fun you've ever had in a tent?

Old Mum says: I told you Disco, it was that time with your brother :-p

bigmunnki says: Heinz or Daddies?

Old Mum says: Heinz was good though his cries of "YAVOL" were a little offputting.

Kittenheels Kath says: Is the world your oyster?

Old Mum says: If it is I want the pearl - thats gonna be one BIG gem. It'd be worth a fortune!

BigChiefRunningBore says: Scott Walker - King of the World or mad bloke from 60's or both?

Old Mum says: You have no life, do you?

Vicksta says: What is your favourite animal at the zoo?

Old Mum says: Children. Preferably in the enclosures.

topcorner says: Well done you OM! Aside from your family, who or what has been your biggest inspiration in life? If you could kick anyone's arse in the world, from the past or present, who would it be and why? Have youu ever pushed on a door that says pull? Did you feel stoopid?

Old Mum says: Dame Edna Everage - now there's a classy lady. George Bush - cos it'd feel damn good. No, only a really stupid person would do that but don't feel bad about you doing it, at least you have your looks to carry you through life.

Yorkshire Plodder says: Motorway lanes - which one is your favourite? (I will accept hard shoulder as an option)

Old Mum says: The fast lane, especially when I'm doing 30MPH

Jen J says: If you were a journalist, who would you most like to interview? What would be your burning question to them?

Old Mum says: Paula - No1 or 2?

Pammie says: Congrats old mum With which fetchie would you do a 3 legged race with?

Old Mum says: Show me a three legged Fetchie and I'll race the freak!

Hourglass says: Well done OM :-) With your movie star looks do you get stopped in the street lots - and what's your secret to looking so young?

Old Mum says: I have to beat people with a large pointy stick quite often. They don't want to stop me, I just enjoy it.

John 66 says: Tpod's got 3 legs apparently - would you do it with him? The race, that is.

Old Mum says: Eeeeewwww, what a freak! I'm not running with him!

santababy says: If you could do change jobs, what would be your dream job?

Old Mum says: I'd be a chef in my own restaurant - that way I can shout at people all day AND cook!

t3d says: woohoo, well done lass I will think of something thought provoking later.

Old Mum says: Don't think too hard, t3d - you'll go that interesting shade of purple again.

Pammie says: Rock or Pop?

Old Mum says: Indie

CanaryYellow says: Unlimited budget, 3 weeks. Where are you going on holiday?

Old Mum says: Skiing in Canada, walking in New Zealand, surfing in Australia and a night of relaxation somewhere remote and hot surrounded by water

John 66 says: And who with (no kids allowed)

Old Mum says: JD once Biddy's finished with him, on that island (can't have the soft bugger escaping!)

Hourglass says: Which should be brought back: Mad Dog 20/20 or Castaway?

Old Mum says: Castaway??? You're sick - or you will be if you drink that!

Boingy says: .....or Thunderbird. :-)

Old Mum says: Stingray was better

TRO Saracen says: Last time you urinated in public/an open space - when, where and why were you caught short?

Old Mum says: During mara training, in the middle of the coutryside, I was 15 miles from home!

t3d says: Can you juggle? And I don't mean kids, life and family. Proper juggling with balls and/or bats. What is your 'power song' on your MP3 player? Legswise, Footballers, Rugby Players or Runners?

Old Mum says: Juggling bats would be a cruel and unsual punishment for coming into my living room but I'd certainly give it a go.

Hamsterhair says: Do you like cheese?

Old Mum says: Only when applied liberally

KR2 says: Well done oM: why the lowercase 'o'?

Old Mum says: Cos I didn't have my glasses on when I first typed my name

Unsafe Breadbin says: What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

Old Mum says: I generally use the equation: U = 3fA
f = 15 (beats per second)
A = 0.22 (meters per beat)
U = 3*15*0.22 = 9.9
... to estimate that the airspeed velocity of an unladen European Swallow is 10 meters per second.

Hamsterhair says: Mum are you? To how many?

Old Mum says: 4 kids aged 15, 14, 12 & 11 years

Jigs says: Well done OM :) How little would you sell the kids into medical research for?

Old Mum says: People will pay me for them??

runnerbean says: well done OM, is it true someone beat you with the ugly stick?

Old Mum says: Yeah but they did a better job on you

HarryB says: African or European?

Old Mum says: Depends how heavy the coconuts are

Hourglass says: Length or girth?

Old Mum says: I expect both! It should be suitably long - anything above 7in is about right and should be just wide enough to be gripped firmly in the plam of the hand whilst eating. It should also be not too gristly and quite herby. Yes, a goos sausage is ahrd to come by but worth the wait.

LorraineS says: (Hammy - are you thinking of chatting up one of OM's younger daughters ? ) McColgan or Radcliffe - and why ?

Old Mum says: Provided he whisks them away to somewhere far off and remote - he can have them all! McColgan because IMHO she's the far superior athlete and was an inspiration to me when I was a kid.

PeterWard5 says: What is your favourite drink? Ash, Shed Seven or Stone Roses and Why? :-)

Old Mum says: How big is your bar? Shed Seven are ok, Ash are shite, Stone Roses are ruled by the monkey man genius

cabletow says: How do you cope with all the inanaity that is around you What is it about Running that has you hooked or to put it another way - Why?

Old Mum says: There's inanaity? I hadn't noticed! I think its endorphines that have me hooked - you're a doctor, you should know that!

Phantom says: You talk funny. Why is that?

Old Mum says: Its called intelligence Phant. A concept you're wholly unaware of.

SODIron says: Batman or Robin?

Old Mum says: Catwoman

Hills of Death (HOD) says: Congratualtions OM What's it like being Phants bessie friend

Old Mum says: Phant doesn't have any friends!

MarkC says: What sport would you consider taking up if you couldn't run?

Old Mum says: Wrestling

SODIron says: How would you resolve the middle eastern conflict?

Old Mum says: I'd send Bush over - unarmed

SODIron says: Richard or Judy?

Old Mum says: I'll quite happily smack both of them across the face with a very large wet fish

Hourglass says: To perk you up would you have a big mug of 'builders tea', or a little cup of expresso?

Old Mum says: A *huge* cup of expresso

SODIron says: Trump or Fart?

Old Mum says: Ivana Trump looks like she farted with follow through whilst Donald's syrup would probably blow off if he let one go.

Boingy says: Whats the best gig you've ever been to ?

Old Mum says: Midlands Fetch mile :-)

SODIron says: Batfink or Hugo A-Go-Go?

Old Mum says: Batfink. He has wongs of steel dontcha know

Simontr says: Can I have your autograph?

Old Mum says: Can I tattoo it on your arse?

HarryB says: Is this seat free?

Old Mum says: It is but Phantom left a wet patch again.

Jock Itch says: John Noakes once told his dog 'Shep' to get down. If you had a dog what would you tell him to do ?

Old Mum says: Go and get a feckin job instead of sponging off me!

Girlie says: If the house was burning down, and all family and pets were safely rescused what 3 things would you save from the fire?

Old Mum says: My trainers, my shorts and my Fetch shirt

Jock Itch says: Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window? Why ?

Old Mum says: Cos they want their stringy drool to end up inside your car.

HarryB says: My mum used to tell me that if I pulled faces the wind would change and I would stay like it, but it never happened. Do you think she lied?

Old Mum says: Go and look in the mirror again, Harry. I think you'll find she was right.

Pammie says: (My god - are you twins) OM - Do you think Harry and Jock were seperated at Birth?

Old Mum says: Yeah but the nurses only realised their mistake when they couldn't find the placenta.

HarryB says: If I was a really, really naughty boy... would you punish me?

Old Mum says: Only if you let me post it on youtube for everyone to laugh at

jennywren says: Well deserved OM. How old are you really?

Old Mum says: No-one really knows, they keep losing count of the wrinkles.

Phantom says: Preferred snotter disposal method (a) eat as one of your five a day (b) random flick (c) targetted flick (d) furniture placement (e) up the other nostril (f) roll it around between thumb and forefinger to form a fine easily diposed powder (g) all of the above

Old Mum says: (h) wait until an unsuspecting soul is asleep then use their finger

Tarange says: Congrats sweetie :) England or Scotland? Marmite or Spam?

Old Mum says: I chose Scotland many years ago. Spam, spam, spam, spam..........

mxhornet says: Can I have your autograph ?

Old Mum says: Can I tattoo it on your very large forehead?

Jason1969 says: Very big congratulations. When you do your acceptance speech, will you thank your mum? Will you do an Ultra this year? Which one and why? I'm thinking of movi ng house, where should I live?

Old Mum says: Depends - will she still be at your place? Hope to do something longer than marathon distance at some point this year though not too sure which one. I'm not booking anything until the injury's resolved. Try Mars - it's a bit like Milton Keynes but with more atmosphere

Pammie says: Elvis or The Beatles

Old Mum says: The Doors

Magbag says: Whats your all time fav film ?

Old Mum says: Snow White - The Porn Years

flying leek! says: oil of ulay or cairns ??

Old Mum says: I've never been to Cairns

Dave A says: Well done Old Lass. A very well deserved award :) Are you ever going to be nice to me in public? I mean, you are nice to me via f-mail, as soon as anyones watching, bang, shot down like a golden eagle :P

Old Mum says: Golden Eagle? Did you steal the contraband from the teenagers you nicked again?

Dave A says: 2+2 :P

Old Mum says: 22

FannyFernackerpan says: Yay :) well done you old boot :)

Old Mum says: Awwww, thanks ya auld witch :-p

chrisity says: bonnie prince charlie or alex ferguson?

Old Mum says: I don't *do* gingers

SODIron says: How do you eat your Creme Eggs?

Old Mum says: I give them to someone with no taste buds

EB says: do you run to music and if you do what's your fav song?

Old Mum says: I do sometimes though try not to too often. My all time favourite song is Gorecki by a band called Lamb

icemaiden says: Do you think you look like my Great Grandma? Some Fetchies thought you did.... [IMAGE 9685_1]

Old Mum says: She was Miss Bridlington 1902 wasn't she? I was 3rd that year behind her and Chubby Brown in drag.

Mrs SuperTed says: Whats the best peice of advice you have ever been given? Well done, you are an inspiration!

Old Mum says: Never trust a bloke - he only ever wants to shag you. Yes....my old Ma was a true inspiration.

Phantom says: How much do you cost?

Old Mum says: More than you could ever hope to afford

RuthB2 says: well done. Apologies if these have already been asked: what is your all time favourite running memory? which running achievement are you most proud of? have the kids got into running at all yet?

Old Mum says: My favourite run to date was done in the local woods about 18 months ago. I hadn't been running long - only about 4 months and went through the forests after a few days of rain. After a long tough climb through the trails I got to the viewpoint, had a quick mouthful of water and headed back down the hill in glorious winter weather. Blue skies, white clouds, cold nip in the air - its was stunning. On the way back down I got caught up in the backlog of water from the previous few days and ended up sin deep in mud at various points of the course. I passed a group of very bemused walkers witthe biggest grin on my face and delighted in the fact that I was not only completely covered in mud (literally from head to toe) but I was loving every minute of it.

jude says: Well done Old Mum - a very deserving winner! Paula or Haile and why?

Old Mum says: Haile - he's a massive inspiration every time I see him run. He never loses that smile or his seemingly endless enthusiasm for running.

Girlie says: What's your favourite Rammstein song and why? Have you seen them live and were you deafened by the explosions?

Old Mum says: Feuer Frei

SODIron says: do I keep repeating myself?

Old Mum says: Yes

SODIron says: do I keep repeating myself?

Old Mum says: No

SODIron says: do I keep repeating myself?

Old Mum says: Maybe

Barky says: Does OM know shes actually won this?

Old Mum says: Won what?

Gus says: Girlie, I saw Rammstein live in Glasgow and yes they were loud and hot!

Old Mum says:

Keefy Beefy says: If a married man says something in a forest and his wife can't hear him, is he still wrong?

Old Mum says: Naturally

HarryB says: Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?

Old Mum says: I don't have a bedpost to stick it to so have to use anything else that may come to hand

Robo-Gobi says: Congrats OM What do you think contributes to your popularity with so many people here on Fetch? Gobi

Old Mum says: Probably because I'm sucha nice, gentle, supportive and caring lady. Next stoopid question, slow coach?

danny wilde says: Q1 - Which are best, Welsh cakes or Ecclefechan tarts ? Q2 - List the best things about running in order (ie fitness / head clearance / friendships etc) Well done btw.I'm as perplexed as you are :-p

Old Mum says: Give me a Welsh tart anytime Mr Wilde! Lycra clad Welsh cakes....need I say more?

Phantom says: Which is the lowest, your IQ or your centre of gravity?

Old Mum says: Well since my centre of gravity is so low, my IQ is obviously very high. You on the other hand are very tall........

Hendo says: Have you ever had sex in your running shoes? (By yourself counts)

Old Mum says: I refuse to answer that here, Hendo - Benni would kill us both!

Siouxsie says: I've no idea how or why you won either. I voted for Cavey btw ! :-p Can I help you spend your prize?

Old Mum says: I voted for the gay dog owner too and now that you've admitted that....no you can't :-p

BS says: 1. Which question have you thought about not answering? (apart from this one) 2. Do you laugh or cry at some of the questions? Congrats.

Old Mum says: This...oh. I've wept at each and every one of them - I'm practising my acceptance speech.

LorraineS says: was it worrying when Siouxsie lived next door ?

Old Mum says: Worrying enough to make me move within a month!

Simontr says: How many beans make five?

Old Mum says: When there's enough to make a hill

Hourglass says: Do you think we should have left or right handed mugs?

Old Mum says: I want a tankard!!

Phantom says: What is the square root of a hill of beans?

Old Mum says: Beans aren't square you eejit.

Hourglass says: Can roots be square?

Old Mum says: Yes

LorraineS says: can beans be square ?

Old Mum says: I SAID YES! Would you like to borrow the ear trumpet?

Phantom says: Are you willing for a shilling? Would you risk it for a biscuit?

Old Mum says: No but I would for 2 bob. Only if it's a Hobnob - without chocolate.

LorraineS says: sauce or vinegar ?

Old Mum says: Salad Cream - it's a mix of both and its 'bleurgh'

irunslowly says: Wee legs, fast times, is it those hills that have improved your times so much.

Old Mum says: No, it's the thought of the locals going on a witch hunt again. I need to be able to outrun them!

IanM says: Well done! :-) 1. What made you start running? 2. What are your goals, are you aiming for times or experiencing races in diferent places or both? 3. How has running affected your life?

Old Mum says: It seemed like a good idea at the time. I'd like to improve my times obviously but as I don't race very often I mostly just aim for distance rather than speed. I'd love to do more trail races and build on distance. Its changed me completely and I couldn't imagine not having it my life. I think I can honestly say that after the kids, its my one true love.

Kittenheels Kath says: Can you put mascara on with your mouth shut?

Old Mum says: Only if I close my eyes

Tarange says: have any of your kids shown an interest in running?

Old Mum says: I think I'll win FLM before that happens!

Snoo says: Have you trumped?

Old Mum says: No, that was IanM

Pammie says: Whos going to win Dancing on Ice?

Old Mum says: Someone who can ice skate

Dave A says: When you did trump, how far was the fallout zone?

Old Mum says: To the edge of the bath

Fetch says: And phew - it's all over. You may want to wash your hands. Thanks OM for answering, and to all Fetchies who submitted questions.