Elderly parents or relatives to care for and/or worry about? This is the place for you.

6 lurkers | 133 watchers
Nov 2017
4:58pm, 14 Nov 2017
431 posts
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Little Miss Happy
95 is good going LD - I wouldn't have guessed that your mother was that old from the things you describe. Sorry if I caused any offence - you too Helegant - I guess the dementia thing is prominent for me at the minute with my FiL so I automatically default to that.
Nov 2017
5:05pm, 14 Nov 2017
20,392 posts
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LazyDaisy
Gosh no, no offence even thought about LMH!
Nov 2017
11:14pm, 14 Nov 2017
5,276 posts
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Helegant
Likewise :-) No offence taken at all.
Nov 2017
6:08am, 15 Nov 2017
432 posts
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Little Miss Happy
Thank you.
Nov 2017
12:29pm, 20 Nov 2017
1,871 posts
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jabberknit
Oh dear, upset my Mum last night. Came home after a horrible marathon experience, and a long and tiring drive home. Bit bad-tempered and grumpy then, but rang Mum because I always call on Sunday evenings. She said she couldn't tell what I was saying, so I raised my voice and then she said there's no need to shout at me!

She will not admit to any possible hearing problem, but not sure how to handle this - if I talk normally she can't hear me, but she doesn't want me to shout either. Can't win.
Nov 2017
3:44pm, 20 Nov 2017
435 posts
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Little Miss Happy
Even more difficult on the phone too jabberknit.
Nov 2017
7:03pm, 20 Nov 2017
12,680 posts
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Carpathius
Oh dear Jabberknit. Difficult conversation especially when she won't admit there's anything on her end that could be the problem.

MiL was supposed to go for her pre-op assessment today ahead of her heart bypass next Monday. Took her all the way to Papworth only to find out it's Thursday.

After Mr Carp had taken her home she rings up to tell us that her op and the appointment on Thursday have been cancelled.
I don't believe a word of it.
Nov 2017
8:05pm, 20 Nov 2017
2,122 posts
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jdarun
No jabberknit, you really can't often win these sort of things. If you can manage it, I think one good approach is to disengage a bit and not try to solve their problems, it's up to them to live their lives as they choose even when their choices seem inappropriate - so long as they aren't seriously damaging of course. I also have an increasingly deaf relative of the "nothing wrong with my hearing, it's just that everyone talks too quietly these days" type. Shrug. He doesn't want a hearing aid and manages to get along without one, his participation in conversation is a bit limited but that's just the inevitable consequence of his personal choice. No neighbours to bother with the TV volume either!

Sometimes it's not about making things better, just coping with whatever the situation is and focussing help where it's genuinely needed/appreciated...

My dad got to his first day of daycare and back last week with no major mishaps, fingers crossed that will work out well for all concerned (at least, as well as can be expected).
Nov 2017
9:18pm, 20 Nov 2017
1,094 posts
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TomahawkMike
Lesson Learnt by me and OH:

3 months ago we made the big mistake of telling our in-laws that we were off to see our middle son in NZ for 3 weeks at xmas. MiL (the one with 'dementia with alzheimers' or vice versa) has been getting more and more in a state as each week goes by. A lot of wailing... "What are we going to do without you" etc. Awful, especially the guilt trip my OH is being made to take. FiL isnt helping. "Well I presume you are going to arrange a xmas meal with us and the whole family before you go". This is on top of all the usual obsessions and confused behaviour.

We told everyone about the hols so that one of the other two daughters could get their plans sorted to take care of them as necessary. We are the ones around the corner. So one of the daughters decides the best approach is to book a holiday abroad at exactly the same time, leaving the youngest to deal with this (she already has limited time with her two teenagers at xmas due to work commitments, and has her own MiL with terminal big 'C).

It has been such an issue that we dont even tell them now when we are away for the weekend until two days before. Otherwise MiL gets distressed.

When we do go away, they oddly seem to survive perfectly well.

So lesson learnt. All future holidays will be quietly fed to the other two daughters and they can quietly put plans in place. Then we can alert the FiL and MiL at the last minute and one of the other sibs can present their plans.
Nov 2017
4:04pm, 22 Nov 2017
15,647 posts
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ChrisHB
MIL has had a lot go wrong recently:

phone stopped working - it started working again
tv stopped working - batteries in remote control needed changing
heating stopped working - it had reached the temperature set on the thermostat

Our son sorted that one out, and doesn't think she understood the explanation.

Yesterday her legs stopped working. Except that she can move around well enough on an office chair by pushing, and when she was distracted today, she could walk normally without a stick. My wife has spent all day until a few minutes ago taking her to her GP. Who didn't know what to make of it (but the walking perfectly normally happened after that visit). Samples were taken.

All this is not going in a good direction. It's surely time to stop her from driving. That will be very bad for her, and probably also for us.

About This Thread

Maintained by LindsD
I thought I'd start a thread, as lots of us have elderly folks that we worry about/care for.

Useful info for after someone dies here (with thanks to grast_girl)
moneysavingexpert.com

Other useful links

myageingparent.com

moneysavingexpert.com

Who pays for residential care? Information here:

ageuk.org.uk

Advice on care homes and payment/funding

theguardian.com

Also: After someone dies, if their home insurance was only in their name, sadly the cover becomes void. But if the policy was in joint names, it will still cover the surviving policyholder (though the names on the policy will need to be updated).

A useful book of exercises for memory loss and dementia
amazon.co.uk

Pension Credit. The rules are a bit complex but if your elderly relative has some sort of disability (in this case dementia/Alzheimer's) and go into a home, they may be able to claim pension credit. So if carers allowance stops, it seems pension credit can start. It can also be backdated.

Fall alarm company, etc.

careium.co.uk

Useful Links

FE accepts no responsibility for external links. Or anything, really.

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