Elderly parents or relatives to care for and/or worry about? This is the place for you.
135 watchers
Nov 2019
6:19pm, 14 Nov 2019
21,135 posts
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Red Squirrel
Thanks all for reading and commenting. It means a lot to me to be able to share and be understood on here; esp as I have no siblings. Daisy - my dad is exactly like that and I laughed at your dream-mare. I also feel that maybe family don't want to come and visit due to hygiene concerns. Dad keeps the kitchen at arm height and above clean and I'm not worried about food. He cooks everything from scratch and makes delicious meals. Maybe that's another important point - in order to be able to do that; it would be nice not to worry about low-level cleaning and tucked-away corners, just washing up and food prep/cooking + gardening. We know quite a few neighbours well, so they may be able to suggest a cleaner or be using a trusted once already they could introduce to Dad. |
Nov 2019
11:41pm, 14 Nov 2019
30,900 posts
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LindsD
Said it before but my Mum's cleaner is great company for her every Friday. If you can persuade him, it might have knock-on benefits.
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Nov 2019
9:59am, 15 Nov 2019
21,140 posts
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Red Squirrel
Yes, that too. He's ex-army so I'll see if any local forces organisations have a cleaning/company arm.
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Nov 2019
10:20am, 15 Nov 2019
30,922 posts
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LindsD
Good idea.
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Nov 2019
11:40am, 15 Nov 2019
17,988 posts
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Carpathius
That's a good idea RS. MiL's near-daily phone call to say about "going home" or getting "a little place" of her own because she's "better now and I don't want to be here for the rest of my life" is starting to take its toll, especially on Mr Carp. We're just sympathising, and saying things like "we'll talk about it when we see you" but I'm not sure if she genuinely forgets or if she remembers we say that, then don't discuss it which would be horrid. We do remind her she lives there now, on occasion, when she's being particularly confused about what "home" is. I don't know how to handle the subject really. She's convinced most of the time that she would manage a little flat perfectly well, and sometimes thinks she'd be quite all right driving (Narrator: she was *never* all right driving). It seems cruel to tell her outright that she's where she is for good. |
Nov 2019
11:59am, 15 Nov 2019
1,754 posts
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Little Miss Happy
Carp - from what you’ve said I think she’d bring it up when she saw you if she remembered. I think my approach would be to reinforce how nice it is to be living there, not having to worry about shopping, cooking, cleaning etc and having more time to do the things she likes (though I’m guessing there aren’t actually many), having company if she wants it etc.....
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Nov 2019
12:06pm, 15 Nov 2019
598 posts
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MH
It's likely she just forgets Carp. It's really tough, but evading the question somewhat is probably the best. My partner's Aunt had dementia (and his Mother has it too now), and got upset terribly when she was told that her Uncle was dead (he died 40 years prior and yes, we used softer terms). She would inevitably forget and just telling her again that he was dead when she asked when he was coming to visit just seemed like we were upsetting her time and time again - so we would say 'soon, I'm sure' RS - Really difficult , although you need to put your foot down re. the damp. With regards to the cleaning, we will just go over when my Mum is not there and do stuff (My brothers and I all have keys), rather than offer. She also refuses to have a cleaner. Amazingly, we are (fingers crossed) in the stages of moving my Mother to a assisted living flat, which is a really lovely place. We've never pushed this, but have shown her around various properties over the last 3 years or so. When I was looking around with her and the agent, she said 'I could see myself living here' - my heart jumped!! She also stated ' it would be nice not to clean a 3 bedroom house' - it felt as though the agent's eyes were boring into me as if to say ' you let your mother clean her house with no help??' . The thing is, she doesn't clean it - she does her best, but she can't do so much now and it shows. |
Nov 2019
12:35pm, 15 Nov 2019
28,334 posts
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LazyDaisy
Carp, I too went through this with my Mum, as for a good year after she moved into a care home she would regularly talk about getting 'a little flat' etc. I would sometimes ignore it by changing the subject, other times I would say the truth, ie that she couldn't cope, and sometimes I'd turn it round and say 'but how nice that you don't have to do any housework/ironing/etc any more!'. But it does get wearing, I completely agree. 
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Nov 2019
2:12pm, 15 Nov 2019
3,096 posts
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jabberknit
My Mum had a 'funny turn' at lunchtime at her day centre yesterday, so they called the paramedics out and she was whisked into A & E. At the time, I was actually standing in a field by a reservoir in the pouring rain helping to marshal a race, so Mr JK had to cope with the phone call. He nearly had a bit of a heart attack when they said they were trying to contact Mum's 'next of kin'! They kept her in overnight, and checked out lots of possibilities, reaching the conclusion that she may possibly have a slight heart murmur. I sincerely hope this isn't going to mean loads of further investigations, she'll be furious! Anyway, she seems fine, and they sent her home this morning after a quick check by the Occ Therapist to make sure she can cope by herself. She must be OK though, as she's back home again and spent some time on the phone to me complaining about the breakfast they gave her this morning - cold coffee, 3 cornflakes in a bowlful of milk and 3 ginger nut biscuits. I don't know which one she was most annoyed about. |
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Nov 2019
7:49pm, 15 Nov 2019
28,335 posts
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LazyDaisy
It'd be the ginger nuts for me JK Hope there's nothing too serious or inconvenient for your mum. I went to see mum this afternoon, and found her tucked up in bed The GP had examined her this morning and decided that her chest was a 'bit creaky' so has prescribed some anti-b's. The senior carer said that they are also dipping her urine as it smells so strongly (sorry if this is TMI) but there is no obvious infection. The broad-spectrum a-b's could help if there's an underlying infection, anyway. I set up a video Whatsapp call on my tablet to my sister, but Mum fell asleep after saying 'hello' I have to go in for a 6 month review at the home on Tuesday. I hope they're not going to kick her out like the last home Sorry, bit of a brain dump rather than a proper post. |
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