You, 'No!' ... It makes sense.

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Sharkie Nov 2018 9:21am, 7 Nov 2018 14,041 posts	0 Sharkie A help and support thread for those who find it difficult to say no. Burdened yourself with yet another task/support role/invitation/obligation etc etc etc you REALLY DON'T NEED OR WANT? Find it impossible to refuse? This is the place for you to check in with your noble attempts, your successes and failures. NO! Go on, you NO it makes sense.
Lizzie W Nov 2018 1:07pm, 7 Nov 2018 18,699 posts	0 Lizzie W Mr W can't turn work down ("we need the money"). I can't say no when he then wants to go cycling/mountaineering/etc. and it impacts me. This means I can feel guilty about feeling resentful. Win-win!
Sharkie Nov 2018 1:20pm, 7 Nov 2018 14,042 posts	0 Sharkie Hmm tricky, Lizzie. Is that 'win-win' tongue in cheek. Feeling guilty is no fun. Does Mr. W recognize that he wants the money for those pursuits? That's 'I' need the money not 'we'! How do his hobbies impact you? Less time for your own because of fewer SHARED resposibilities?
Lizzie W Nov 2018 1:29pm, 7 Nov 2018 18,700 posts	0 Lizzie W Tongue in cheek, yes. No, money to pay for the house. I'd like him to spend more time with T7 and Us. I should do my hobbies during weekdays. He earns more per hour than me, so it's a sensible arrangement, just frustrating sometimes I suppose.
Lizzie W Nov 2018 1:30pm, 7 Nov 2018 18,701 posts	0 Lizzie W I may possibly be grumpy when another 2nd hand bike appears in the house.
Velociraptor Nov 2018 1:39pm, 7 Nov 2018 39,521 posts	0 Velociraptor I've spent much of my adult life where I believe Mr W is. Unable to turn down work, and working long hours, because we needed the money. And, in turn, needing time out at weekends, and to spend money on hobbies that were more aspirational than real for me. And with a spouse (not my current one!) who resented me doing those things, and whom I resented in turn because he was neither making the most of his opportunities to do things with the children while I was at work (opportunities I felt I'd have killed for) or to do things on his own when they were at school, and instead demanded a share of the weekends for his own interests. Do you need to say more NO, Lizzie? Or would you like Mr W to say more NO? What would be the impact of him doing so?
Lizzie W Nov 2018 1:46pm, 7 Nov 2018 18,704 posts	0 Lizzie W I think you have it, V'rap. Hmm. I need to say more YES. I'd like him to arrange work around something he can do with T7, like he said he would. Of course he can't work with people when they don't want him to, but he has to take responsibility for protecting some time. Then not wasting it when he has it. We both need to DO more and Screen less.
Surrey Phil Nov 2018 8:21pm, 7 Nov 2018 2,672 posts	0 Surrey Phil Although not a Fetchie, I'll nominate my wife. She works 11 hours a week as an LTSA and is on two PTAs, co-ordinates a homeless shelter, regularly volunteers in children's work and looks after our two children (one has Down's Syndrome and needs extra help with things). Her excuse is along the lines of "I have to do these things because no-one else will." She is considering quitting her paid job as she finds it hard to doing all the things she has said 'yes' to. Volunteering is great but there are limits. How about saying 'no' to the PTAs and that will free up plenty of time? However, this is one of the few things that we agree to disagree on.
Sharkie Nov 2018 8:30pm, 7 Nov 2018 14,045 posts	0 Sharkie The problem is two fold (at least) Being unable to say no can so easily lead to resentment, burn out, frustration and feelings of failure (never being good enough). I set up this thread For A Friend (partly as a joke) because - like Phil's wife - she does too much. Me, I'm bad at saying 'no' but I say 'I might' and then don't - which is a different sort of crime. Never saying 'no' is only a crime to yourself, of course.
Lizzie W Nov 2018 9:54pm, 7 Nov 2018 18,722 posts	0 Lizzie W I found volunteering didn't pay very well, so I limit myself to one role at a time. Someone usually steps into the breach.