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Guide to becoming a politician

1 watcher
Sep 2011
9:51am, 27 Sep 2011
6482 posts
  • 0
James1982a
It's always someone else's fault. The last lot.. Israel's... British/American imperialistic swines.. etc

Lie.

Never answer the question you've been asked.

Kiss babies. Lots of babies.
Sep 2011
10:00am, 27 Sep 2011
15405 posts
  • 0
BigChiefRunningBore
You will also need work quite hard at it.

Not that anyone cares as you will always be wrong/ self centred/ working for the unions/ industry/ shady dark forces of the right/left/nutters
you can't change your mind even if you admit to being wrong in the first place.
Nobody wants to do your job but everyone else could do it better even whilst making a mobile phone call driving on a motorway while knitting and ironing at the same time on their way to collect the kids from zumba. Not that they want your job.
Sep 2011
10:04am, 27 Sep 2011
6262 posts
  • 0
ChrisHB
you need to have been president of the Oxford Union.
Sep 2011
10:35am, 27 Sep 2011
25716 posts
  • 0
Toks
Lol to all of the above :-) and including wasting public money such as spending 12 billion pounds on some stupid IT NHS programme :-0 really omg!
Sep 2011
10:40am, 27 Sep 2011
11018 posts
  • 0
Pestomum
You need to have been to NUS conference a zillion times.
Sep 2011
10:45am, 27 Sep 2011
1728 posts
  • 0
RichHL
You probably shouldn't expect to earn the respect and admiration of your constituents, the press or the public at large. You'll probably be earning quite a good income if you have the brains to be an effective politician so expect a pay cut. And then expect to be told that you're getting too much money. And then expect to have your expenses claims picked over in detail by people whose own expenses are a matter of commercial confidentiality.

It will help if you have a thick skin, a firm handshake, can pretend not to be too bright, are instantly affable and witty, available for comment 24 hours a day, never take a holiday, aren't too pretty or a complete munter if you're female, have no past, didn't inhale, have never coveted your neighbour's ass or wife, have no skeletons in the closet, don't have to come out of that closet or have managed to nail the closet shut and hide it in the attic.

Try not to say anything. Have a very supportive spouse. Be meticulous in your record-keeping. Don't be distracted by Pretty Young Things giggling at your jokes (I'm looking at you, Cable). Do not, under any circumstances, be tempted to give a job to anyone whose name ends in '-ov.' Be self-deprecating; everybody else is going to take the piss anyway. Keep your friends close and give your enemies jobs on quangos somewhere where they can't get to you.

You'll end up pissing off just about everybody at some stage. Just try to ensure that there are sufficient people you haven't pissed off recently that you get re-elected every four or so years.
Sep 2011
10:57am, 27 Sep 2011
3208 posts
  • 0
GlennR
Good summary Rich.
Sep 2011
10:59am, 27 Sep 2011
8162 posts
  • 0
sheri3004
Having been to Eton always helps.
Sep 2011
11:08am, 27 Sep 2011
1729 posts
  • 0
RichHL
SONG — SIR JOSEPH.

When I was a lad I served a term
As office boy to an Attorney's firm.
I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor,
And I polished up the handle of the big front door.
I polished up that handle so carefullee
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He polished up that handle so carefullee
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Sir Joseph. As office boy I made such a mark
That they gave me the post of a junior clerk.
I served the writs with a smile so bland,
And I copied all the letters in a big round hand —
I copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He copied all the letters in a hand so free,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Sir Joseph.In serving writs I made such a name
That an articled clerk I soon became;
I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit
For the pass examination at the Institute,
And that pass examination did so well for me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — And that pass examination did so well for he,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Sir Joseph. Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip
That they took me into the partnership.
And that junior partnership, I ween,
Was the only ship that I ever had seen.
But that kind of ship so suited me,
That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — But that kind of ship so suited he,
That now he is the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Sir Joseph. I grew so rich that I was sent
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — He thought so little, they rewarded he
By making him the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

Sir Joseph. Now landsmen all, whoever you may be,
If you want to rise to the top of the tree,
If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool,
Be careful to be guided by this golden rule —
Stick close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

CHORUS. — Stick close close to your desks and never go to sea,
And you all may be rulers of the Queen's Navee!

'HMS Pinafore'
Gilbert & Sullivan

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It's always someone else's fault. The last lot.. Israel's... British/American imperialistic swine...

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