Bereavement

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Aug 2020
9:46pm, 25 Aug 2020
17555 posts
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Rosehip
Dad's ashes are still at the undertakers (but he was an old school friend, so it feels like a sort of home-space) we were going to take the down to the south coast where he was happy sailing, but this year has got in the way. I am comfortable with there not being a grave or a marker - I don't have any belief that tells me he is anywhere other than in my memory, but am sad we haven't been able to have the planned fireworks ashes spreading over the sea -
Aug 2020
9:55pm, 25 Aug 2020
45606 posts
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Derby Tup
coachie when I go to the cemetery I go to ‘see’ my mum. I wouldn’t not go past where dad (and his second wife) are buried and pause there, but I am visiting for my mum
Aug 2020
10:31pm, 25 Aug 2020
40077 posts
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LindsD
My Dad is next to my bed for the same reasons as RH. He died three years ago this coming Sept.
Aug 2020
11:02pm, 25 Aug 2020
52431 posts
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Diogenes
My Dad’s ashes are scattered in the garden of remembrance where his Mum’s where. Sadly, the last time we went we couldn’t remember where this was or find the location code. It doesn’t really matter: he’s not there, he’s within us.
Aug 2020
12:32pm, 26 Aug 2020
1210 posts
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mushroom
Lovely thread. I agree it isn't talked about enough.

When my mum died (about 8 years ago) my dad, with my sister and I, did have to discuss funeral arrangements and there were things that we disagreed about. We had to leave to dad's wishes as we didn't have full direction from mum. I asked my dad at the time to make a few notes for his arrangements when the time came.

7 years later and my dad had done just that - my sister and I actually found it quite comforting that he'd made things easier for us. It's a stressful time as it is.

There are templates online about 'death wishes' covering many things such as funeral details, music, what happens to pets, sharing personal effects around family, etc. I'd encourage everyone to complete one and at least tell their family it exists.

On the other hand, my god-mother did not believe in funerals. Both her parents' bodies were simply taken away by the undertaker. When she died, we simply followed the same instruction. Some of her friends said it was a shame there wasn't a service to attend, but we arranged for a meal as a get together a little later and that was a good way to say goodbye. It felt like more of a celebration of life.
Aug 2020
1:48pm, 26 Aug 2020
52451 posts
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Diogenes
I didn’t know you could do that, mushroom, sounds like an infinitely more sensible solution, especially when money is tight.
Aug 2020
2:09pm, 26 Aug 2020
1211 posts
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mushroom
Dio - I think it's one of the problems of people not wanting to talk about death and funerals. People go to undertakers with little knowledge and therefore expecting to have to buy a service.

I'm not sure if it's available for all areas, but some crematoria offer body disposal without the need for a funeral service. The only law is that you have to legally dispose of the body.

You don't even have to use an undertaker, but it saves time and effort at a stressful time. I did look into this after my dad's death (he had a funeral service!) but just for my own curiosity. I'm fairly pragmatic about death but my sister and I enjoyed a little gallows humour at the time - I think you have to ensure that any container will not leak, so we were wondering if we could just rock up with an estate car and the necessary paperwork - apparently you can.
Aug 2020
2:18pm, 26 Aug 2020
18438 posts
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EvilPixie
My mother spent thousands
she even got a Rolls Royce hurse

I'm with Dio - dad is with me always no need to visit (he's 125m away anyway!)
Pre covid mum was there 3-4 days a week
now only once a week but she gets ever so depressed afterwards
it's not good for her
Aug 2020
2:52pm, 26 Aug 2020
4995 posts
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DoricQuine
We planted a tree in memory of my mum in one of her favourite places and scattered her ashes there. fetcheveryone.com/blog/50826/2013/12#blog301590

We visit it often, not just because of the tree but because it is a lovely place. Our grandson loves it there too and though he never knew my mum, he knows that it is his great grandma's tree and we are making lots of new happy memories there. Seeing my grandson grow, I can now appreciate the delight my mum and OH's mum and dad took in our two and I'm sad that my mum never got to meet him as I just know they would have got on like a house on fire. :)
Aug 2020
2:56pm, 26 Aug 2020
18439 posts
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EvilPixie
see that's the sort of thing I would do ... mum got a double plot though so she will be buried too

things which i found frustrating .... you can bury anything ... so you can put in the coffin whatever apart from electronics
very far from ecological
she got a really expensive coffin with posh handles and badges again it seemed like a bad idea
but she wanted "the best for him" and it made her happy

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